Yes, that’s right, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The yourish.com Lost Episode Summary.
When last we left our intrepid (but not very smart) islanders, Jack, Hurley, Kate, and Locke were staring down the hatch of a really deep hole.
If you haven’t seen the latest episode, perhaps you’d better not click the more tab.
[IN A STRANGE ROOM]
Alarm goes off. Guy jumps out of bed, goes to 1970s-style computer, puts on an LP of Cass Elliot (hey, I used to have that on cassette!), picks the abso-fraggin’-lutely worst song on the album to play, exercises, then makes a yucky, Rocky-like breakfast. We do not see his head, only his lovely long hair and naked (woo-woo!) chest.
[ON THE ISLAND, AT THE HATCH]
Jack: It’s a hole.
Kate: It’s a hole.
Locke: It’s a mystery hole!
Hurley: Who you calling a hole?
Sawyer: I think they meant me.
Hurley: Dude, you’re shot and in the water, so like, shut up until next week, ‘kay?
Sawyer: On second thought: Hole.
Jack: Okay, we blew the hatch, it’s too deep, the ladder’s broken, and 48 people can’t fit inside. Besides, if we lower all of the extras down there, we won’t have time for my flashback scenes.
Locke: But it’s a hole! In the island! It means something!
Kate: Yeah, it means the writers are holes.
Hurley: Dudes, we are so gonna get tired of that word.
All: HOLE.
[IN THE JUNGLE NEAR THE CAVE]
Shannon: Vincent! Vincent! Hey, anybody seen the dog?
Sayyid: Dogs are filthy and unclean and un-Islamic.
Shannon: Dude, you’re a secular Muslim. The good terrorist, remember?
Sayyid: Yeah, but the damn dog peed on my shoes last night.
Shannon: Well, I have to go out into the jungle at night with no weapons, even though we’re all hiding from some mysterious people who are going to come and slaughter us, because I promised Walt I’d take care of his dog.
Sayyid: Wait, I’ll come with you.
Shannon: Wow, I really must be that good in bed.
[JACK’S FLASHBACK SCENE: IN THE E.R.]
Unnamed medical staff: Doctor, there’s a cute young chick and an old man, and they’re both dying. You have time to save only one. Which one do you choose?
Jack: Dude, didn’t we have that on the test last week? The chick, of course. Wait, let me pull this jagged metal piece out of her chest so I can see her boobs better.
Audience: We can’t believe you wrote that!
Meryl: Neither can I!
Sarah (AKA The Chick From Ed): Hey, is the old dude dead?
Jack: Of course. I don’t want to marry him.
The Chick From Ed: But I’m engaged.
Jack: Not for long.
[AT THE HATCH]
Locke: Let’s go in.
Jack: No. Let’s go back.
Locke: No, let’s go in.
Jack: No, LET’S GO BACK.
Locke: Let’s–
Kate and Hurley: Oh, shut UP already.
[They start walking back]
Hurley: Jack, your bedside manner sucks, man.
[CONVENIENTLY, CUT TO JACK’S FLASHBACK SCENE]
The Chick From Ed: How bad is it?
Jack: Your back is broken, you’ve got cuts and bruises all over your face and you don’t look very pretty right now.
The Chick From Ed: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Jack: Calm down, your fiance is around here somewhere.
The Chick From Ed: So how bad is it, really?
Jack: All the king’s horses and all the king’s men….
Jack’s dad: Jack, can I speak to you a moment?
Jack: What’d I do wrong?
Jack’s Dad: Your bedside manner sucks, son.
Jack: What was I supposed to do, lie?
Jack’s Dad: Yes.
Jack: I’m going to go run up and down the stadium steps so I can meet a mysterious stranger who will play a big part in my life when I’m stranded on a desert island.
Jack’s Dad: Don’t lie to me, son.
[AT THE STADIUM]
[Jack runs up the stairs, some other guy runs up the stairs, they race, Jack falls and hurts his ankle.]
Desmond: Are you all right, brother?
Jack: No, I lost.
Desmond: Did you say–Lost?
Jack: What? No, I hurt my ankle.
Desmond: Did you say–island?
Jack: What? No, I said ankle!
Desmond: Did you say–hatch?
Jack: Are you nuts? Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?
Desmond: Nothing. Now, go ahead and tell me about how you failed The Chick From Ed so I can give you an uplifting memory about hope and miracles that you can flashback from when you’re lost on an island staring down a hatch.
Jack: Nice talking to you. Hope I never see you again, freak.
[SAYYID AND SHANNON IN THE JUNGLE]
Shannon: Vincent!
Sayyid: Vincent! Wait, I think I see him. I’ll sneak around behind him!
Shannon: Yeah, because it’s not like dogs have better hearing than humans. He’ll never notice you sneaking up on him. Oh, and while you’re at it, sure, leave me alone in the forest with the monsters and the murderers and–Walt!
Walt: [mumble mumble mumble]
Shannon: Wait, I can’t hear you, the violins are too loud. Wait! Wait until they stop!
Walt [mumble mumble mumble]
Shannon: Damned violins! Damned live score! Why can’t we use canned music like everyone else?
Sayyid: Who are you talking to?
Shannon: Walt! I saw Walt!
Sayyid: He was probably pissed that you lost his dog.
Desmond: Did you say–Lost?
Shannon: Wrong scene, freak!
Desmond: Oh. Sorry.
[AT THE HATCH]
Locke: I’ll lower you down first, Kate.
Kate: Why can’t you go first?
Locke: You scream better. And y’know, Desmond has been alone a really, really long time. I’m not up for a role in Deliverance.
Kate: I can kick his ass, you know.
Locke: Uh-huh.
[Locke lowers Kate, almost drops her, doesn’t, then something pulls Kate from below]
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Locke: See? I told you you scream better. Kate! Kate!
[IN THE CAVE]
People: Eek! We’re scared!
Shannon: I saw Walt!
Sayyid: No you didn’t!
People: Eek! We’re scared!
Jack: No you’re not! Here I am, to save the day!
People: Oh. Okay.
Jack: I’m going back to the hatch.
Hurley: Why?
Jack: Hello, have you read the rest of the script? Duh!
[FLASHBACK TO JACK IN THE CHICK FROM ED’S HOSPITAL ROOM]
Jack: Sarah, I’m so sorry. You’re going to be crippled for life and–hey! Howcome we’ve had like, six scenes together and you haven’t cried yet?
The Chick From Ed: Give it time. It’ll happen.
Jack: Sarah, I’m so sorry. You’re going to be crippled for life. [cries]
Sarah: See? Toldja. I’m so good at crying, I got you to do it for me.
Jack: You’ll never walk again. [cries more]
Sarah: Are you shining me on? Because look, I can wiggle my toes. [cries] Toldja to wait a while longer.
Jack: You–you can wiggle your toes? Hey! Can you feel this?
Sarah: Yes! [cries]
Jack: Can you feel this?
Sarah: Yes! [cries]
Jack: Can you feel this?
Sarah: Ooooooh. I mean, hey! Engaged! I’m engaged!
Jack: Not for long.
[THE ISLAND, AT THE HATCH]
[Jack climbs down the hatch, finds an old pair of sneakers, the computer room, and is subjected to the same horrible Cass Elliot song that is going to be in my head for the next three months]
Cass Elliot: Make your own kind of music, Sing your own special song, Make your own kind of music, Even if nobody else sings along.
Jack: What the hell is that horrible music? What the hell are these thirty-year-old computers? And how do I know they’re that old when I’m barely that old?
Locke: Jack, don’t touch that computer!
Jack: I’m pointing my gun at you because you startled me, Locke, but it will come in handy when–
Desmond: Yoo-hoo! Jack! Put down the gun or I’ll blow his head off, brother!
Jack: You? Huh? Have you been stalking me since I was a resident? Man, that’s creepy.
Desmond: You want to see creepy, you should see what I ate for breakfast this morning.
Jack: I don’t get it.
Audience: NEITHER DO WE!
Announcer: Neither do I.
Technorati tag: Lost episode summary, inside the hatch
Now I know why so many people do not have televisions in their homes.
Great episode writeup Meryl.
I feel that subterranean mystery guy Desmond is a character deserving of some respect. Not only can he run up and down a sports stadium’s steps more nimbly than Jack, but he’s also managed to keep up the maintenance on the original computers from “Colossus: The Forbin Project.” And what a vindication of Bucky Fuller’s geodesic dome! Buried under thousands of tons of island and it still holds up like it did at Expo ’67. (Of course, if Pauly Shore turns up inside the dome next week, then this show has officially jumped the polar bear.)
And although Shannon seemed to be reclaiming her inner airhead when she ignored her mortal peril by wandering around in the dark calling for the dog, she was still less annoying than the little girl in Invasion who spent the first 20 minutes of the show calling for her cat, which she assumed would be walking around outside in a hurricane.
I am hoping for something like this:
Desmond: I’ll shoot!
Locke:He means it!
Jack: So what? I hate Locke – so kill him already – it leaves a better shot for me…after all, I REALLY resent the fact that you beat me up the stairs.
BLAM>>>BLAM>>>BLAM>>>BLAM
Jack steps over the dead bodies of Locke and Desmond: What’s for breakfast?
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