The Lost Episode Summary: Episode HUH??

(Things that didn’t really happen on last night’s episode, but should have)

Locke: Since we can’t have two silent, mysterious characters on the island, I’ve become quite the chatterbox, whereas you, Mr. Eko, barely say two words.
Eko: Yes.
Locke: Have I told you how much I hate you?
Eko: No.
Locke: Hate. Hate. HATE!
Eko [looks mysteriously and silently at Locke]
Locke: HATE! HATE! Dammit, why the hell did they have to kill off Boone?

Kate: Since we can’t have two bad girls on the island going for Jack’s affections, you have to back off. I’m badder than you.
Ana Lucia: Nope.
Kate: Are too.
Ana Lucia: Listen, chica, you’re a cornfed Iowa girl who blew up her daddy’s house with him in it. I get that. But I blew away the guy that shot me. Then, for good measure, I came here and blew away Vacuous Blonde Chick before they could give her enough backstory to make her three-dimensional and threaten our contracts.
Kate: Are too.
Ana Lucia: Did you watch my flashback scenes? Shot that sucker even after he was dead on the ground.
Kate: Did you see my flashback scenes? I held up a bank!
Ana Lucia: Oooh, I’m shakin’. Once more: Shot him on the ground when he was already dead.
Kate: Bitch.
Ana Lucia: You know it, babe. So. Let’s see who’s tougher: The chica from the Barrio turned cop, or the hick from the sticks turned crook. Wanna wrestle?
Jack: I’M WATCHING!
Sawyer: ME FIRST!
Charley: ME TOO! ME TOO! ME TOO!
Hurley: Um, dudes? How’d we get into this scene?
Ana Lucia: How the hell did you morons survive for 41 days? Say, look at this! I still have a gun!
[Guys leave in a hurry.]
Kate: Are too.
Ana Lucia [punches Kate, knocks her out] Are not.

Locke: REALLY hate you.
Eko: I found this book. Look inside it. It holds the answers to everything.
Locke: What, you found a copy of The DaVinci Code?
Eko: It’s a filmstrip, moron. How the hell did you guys manage to survive 41 days on this island?
Locke: Holy crap! It’s the missing scenes from the stupid movie!
Eko: Meet Captain Obvious.
Locke: Hate. HATE.
[They splice film and watch THE ENTIRE FREAKING MOVIE OVER AGAIN]
Eko: Pass the popcorn.
Locke: Shh! Here it is. Hey! Wait a minute! What do you mean, “Don’t try to use the computer for communication purposes”? No online chats? No IMs? Crap, we really are marooned on a desert island.

Michael [IMing to Walt]: RU as bored as me?
Walt: Dad? That U?
Michael: People R suckers, LOL. Think plot has meaning. U & I know writers just make this sh*t up.