Things I learned in the hospital

First, I should explain that I have not spent a night in the hospital since I was an infant. I have been extraordinarily fortunate. Other than a few hours in the emergency room or outpatient testing, the only reason I’ve ever been in hospitals has been to visit friends and relatives, or do the occasional mitzvah. I have never—until this week—spent a night in a hospital due to illness.

That being said, here are the things I learned while stuck in the hospital.

• Hospitals are full of sick people.
• “This is going to pinch a bit” means “This is going to make a grown woman say ‘OW! What the hell are you doing to me?'”
• Nurses are amazingly sweet and unbelievably overworked
• “Did you have a good night’s sleep?” is a sentence that is never, ever uttered to a patient in a hospital.
• Hospitals are full of sick people.
• It’s true. They really do wake you up in the middle of the night to see how you’re doing. And take your vitals. Or in my case, blood.
• If you have to be in a hospital overnight, remember to pack earplugs. And a sleep mask.
• Someone should open up a restaurant chain called “Hospital Food” just so we can all laugh when it fails.
• Did I remember to mention that hospitals are full of sick people?
• There are far too many machines that beep. I think half of them simply beep for the sake of beeping, and aren’t really in use.
• If you want to annoy your nurses, keep dropping your TV remote, especially since it always seems to land on the “Call Nurse” button.
• My family does not read my weblog. This is undeniable. I did not get a single call from a family member as a result of Lair’s post until after I was already home, except for the brother that I had Sarah call.
• If you are on a floor where most people are not supposed to be walking around, you really freak out the nurses when you walk up to the nurses’ station and ask them questions.
• If you are on a floor where most people are not supposed to be walking around, you don’t want to see them lying in their beds. Trust me on this one.
• An MRI machine is really a lot more comfortable than it looks.
• Oh, yeah—hospitals are full of sick people.

And now that I have first-hand knowledge of the hospital scene, may I say: I hope I never have to do that again.