An open letter to a comments troll

Dear troll,

I know this is a difficult concept for you to wrap your brain around, because it is obvious that your Mommy and Daddy told you otherwise, but the world does not revolve around you. The fact that you submitted a comment and it did not immediately escape the moderation queue does not necessarily mean that you are being ignored. Some of us have real jobs; jobs in which we have no time to tend to our weblogs from work. I am one of those bloggers. Yes, I know, a blogger with a job is a concept that simply staggers the mind of so many out there; Aaron Sorkin took another potshot at bloggers only last week, in the second episode of his new TV show. It’s popular to denigrate bloggers. But no, really—I didn’t see your comment until long after I got home from work, as the second concept that you may find difficult to believe kicked in: I have a life outside the blog.

Although there are some poor slobs who have proclaimed proudly that they are their blog, that is not this blogger. If I had to stop blogging tomorrow and never take it up again, though I would miss it, I’d get over it and move on with my life. Honestly, I’d find something to do with the time I currently use to blog.

To your next comment: “Why don’t you simply say that this site is for Zionists only?”

Well, as a matter of fact, I did. Some time ago. Years, actually. On more than one occasion. Thousands, actually. This blog became an Israel and Jewish issues blog sometime in 2002. But since you only found my weblog through some search or link from some other blog, and obviously didn’t bother to read even the last week’s posts, your tiny little brain couldn’t contain the knowledge that yes, I freely admit my biases—and have since I first started blogging more than five years ago. On the other hand, your tiny little brain also couldn’t be bothered to read the lines above every single post’s comment box that say:

Leave a Reply. Keep it civil. Comments policy (please read).

It’s even linked. To this post. The one called “Comments Policy.” Where I also say:

This is a No Israel Bashing Zone. Read that post carefully. I mean it, and I will ban commenters who insist they have the right to say what they want.

And that one’s linked. To a post where I state clearly my pro-Israel policy, and my intolerance of anti-Israel (and anti-Zionist) comments, such as the ones you were ready to put on my weblog.

And if that isn’t enough for you, you could simply have searched around a bit and found this post, which I wrote in July, where I state quite clearly that this is a Zionist blog, a fact that is obvious, as I wrote, to anyone with an IQ over room temperature. Clearly, that group does not include you.

Really, you have to be an utter moron not to be able to figure out that my blog is pro-Israel. But for utter morons who can’t read a few simple posts, here are a few clues: The left-hand sidebar has a blogroll called “Jewish and Israeli bloggers.” There is also a large graphic of my award as the winner of the Best Overall Blog from the Jewish and Israeli Blog Awards. On the right sidebar is the Category list. A few categories that might tip you off to my Zionist tendencies: Anti-Semitism, Israel, Israeli Double Standard Time, Israel Derangement Syndrome, and maybe even Jew Cooties. Any of these might have tipped you off that I am a Zionist. All of them together, however, are clues that only the most stupid of trolls would miss. Reading comprehension wasn’t your best subject in school, was it?

I understand. Truly I do. They don’t work you too hard in the schools that taught you to hate Israel and all those who stand for Israel. Your brain atrophies in those schools, as is evident by the inability of most anti-Israel commenters to get beyond frothing madness and illiterate repetitions of Jew-hatred, or quoting Chomsky and other Israel-haters instead of thinking for yourself. Really, all you have to do is regurgitate the same-old, same-old to get that A in Middle Eastern Studies. I know. I understand. It’s hard in the real world, where suddenly Chomsky means nothing to your manager, who wants your project finished on time and in literate sentences. Life is hard out of college for the typical anti-Israel troll. I understand.

But you should understand this: The true comment troll exists for the amusement of the blog owner. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the need to mock an idiot like you, and I thank you for the chance to exercise my Juvenile Scorn muscles. It’s been far too long, and better you than the subject I really wanted to aim for.

So when your comment wasn’t approved immediately, and you waited (gasp!) an entire hour and 35 minutes to start the insults, you made it easy for me to decide that you would never get a comment approved. When people insult me, I tend to dislike them. I’m funny that way. Must be the Zionist in me. (That was sarcasm, something else that trolls have a difficult time understanding.)

Oh. And yes, I expect you’ll try to frame an answer to this post and send it to me. Not to worry. That’s what Spam Karma is for. It kills trolls dead as I feed it their IP addresses.

Yours is there now.

In closing, don’t let the door hit you in the ass. It’s a Zionist door. You may catch Jew Cooties from it.

Yours in Zionism,

Meryl
Owner and operater of Yourish.com