Terms of Use

All those litmus tests in the neighborhood reminded me that I need to bring my old Terms of Use page into the modern era of this blog. So here are the terms, slightly updated. And for your information, yes, some people really did link me with that great phrase below.

Terms of Use: Yourish.com

By reading, linking to, quoting, printing out, or in any way making use of Yourish.com’s content in any means, place, or forum, you agree to the following:

1. All original content of Yourish.com is copyrighted by Yourish.com’s owner, presently Meryl Yourish, and is not to be used without permission except as provided herein. In order to get my express permission, it will be necessary to bribe me. Acceptable bribes will be (but not limited to): Yukon Gold potato chips (the regular kind, none of those frou-frou flavors), Godiva Grand Menthes (many, many of those) or other plain Godiva chocolates (I don’t like the ones with nuts in them), backrubs, videos and DVDs of all Sondheim’s plays available (tickets to performances of Sondheim works may be substituted), Hersheyets (I cannot find them anywhere anymore, and I love the Hershey’s version of M&M’s), and an exact copy of the needlepoint in my vet’s office that says “Home is Where the Cat Is” (I can’t do needlepoint. It takes patience. I have none.).

2. Permission is granted to quote, cite, link to, print out or otherwise use Yourish.com content, so long as you comply with the terms below (and above! My bribes! Don’t forget my bribes!).

A. All quotations from Yourish.com will include credit to Yourish.com or to Meryl Yourish and, wherever practicable, a hyperlink of the form http://www.Yourish.com … to the site. Plus, you have to post, “Meryl is the kewlest person ever11! She rUlez, d00dz!1!11!”

B. In exchange for the access to Yourish.com content described above, you agree not to sue Yourish.com for its content, whether original or linked or quoted from another source, in any court, on any grounds whatsoever in law or equity. (I really like that last. You’re screwed, dudes.) Should you violate this agreement by filing such a lawsuit, you agree to pay Yourish.com’s owner or owners the sum of one million billion jillion gazillion dollars (how many zeroes is in that?) as liquidated damages, in addition to paying for everything else, and, oh, while I’m at it, my cats need a new Kitty Condo, I want a bikini top for my Jeep, another VCR, the third fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, tickets to the World Series, and gift certificates for trainers and massage therapy at the Richmond JCC. You have to pay for that, too. And I want a kitten. No, wait, scratch that. Too much trouble to raise. I want you to raise the kitten, only now make it four of them, and I get to visit and play with them whenever I want.

C. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. (I think this one means you owe me more money.)

D. If you are a corporation, you have to pay two million billion jillion gazillion dollars, plus give me a lifetime supply of Godiva chocolates, and now I’m seriously thinking about making you hire me male escorts anytime I damned well please, for the rest of my life.

3. If you do not agree to these terms of use, exit the site immediately, destroy all copies of Yourish.com content remaining in any form on your computer, any other computer or network device under your control, in print form, or on any information storage or retrieval device that you possess or control. Print out whatever copy is left, apply salt and pepper, cook at 350°F., then eat it warm. Then execute the following affidavit and send it by certified mail to Yourish.com, Richmond, VA, uh, wait—you think I’m going to give you my address? On the Internet? Yeah, right.

Affidavit

I hereby certify under penalty of perjury that I read everything on this page and agree with it (well, except maybe for the male escort part, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal), and (all right, maybe I don’t agree with the exact form of payment, because nobody really knows what a jillion is. Or a gazillion.) and I understand that action contrary to these statements constitutes both perjury and a violation of the Yourish.com Terms of Use, subjecting me to possible civil and criminal liability. (And almost certainly the ridicule of my peers for being stupid enough to sign something like this.) (HEY! I HEARD THAT. I’m right HERE!)

__________________

Signed (include date)

__________________

Witnessed (notary)

Notary Seal:

My commission expires: ______________

(If anyone gets what that stuff up there means, let me know. On second thought, never mind. Nobody’s gonna really print this out and mail it to me, anyway.)