In honor of UN Day, let us do exactly as the UN does. Since we don’t exactly have wars here, these are the rules for anyone who attacks anyone else in the comments of this post:
If the complainant is white, Israeli, American, or Jewish (and particularly those four and male), I’m going to ignore him.
If the complainant is Muslim Arab, I’m going to issue a resolution demanding that the offender cease and desist immediately, and follow that up with more resolutions condemning the attackers for Islamophobia.
If the complainant is Muslim non-Arab, same as above, unless the complainant and the attacker are both Muslim. In that case, I will do nothing and say nothing.
If the complainant is a woman, I’m going to organize a worldwide Women’s Day of Solitude and solicit other women bloggers to put up a post protesting the lack of respect for women bloggers in my comments, and in the comments of weblogs the world over.
If the complainant is from certain parts of Africa and female, she will be propositioned for sexual favors by the people who police the comments here, and in some cases, forced into having sex and keeping quiet about it. If the woman is underage, well, you know the drill there, too.
If the complainant is from Darfur, I’m going to determine that there was not an attack taking place and ignore him completely.
If the attacker is from a South American country that is ruled by a dictator but had, in any part of its past, suffered from American imperialism, I’m going to ignore the attack.
If the attacker and attacked are both South or Latin American, I’m going to ignore the attack.
If the attacker is North Korean, I’m going to recommend that we find five other bloggers and discuss the attack for several years, then try to get the attacker to promise to give up attacking, and of course, ignore the attacker when this does not happen.
If the attacker is particularly vile, I’m going to refer it to the Yourish.com Commission on Human Rights in Comments, where we will then condemn my Israeli commenters while ignoring the vile attackers of other origins. Omri Ceren will probably come in for a special lashing; he’s Israeli, he lives in America, and he’s a Zionist.
If one of my commenters makes signs like s/he’s going nuclear, I’m going to issue a warning. Then I’ll wait a few months to see if that commenter is still ready to go nuclear, and issue another toothless warning. I will have my Comments Inspectors keeping an eye on that commenter, that is, with the commenter’s permission, and if the commenter refuses, I will think for several months about issuing yet another warning. After several years, I will attempt sanctions against that commenter, but if my fellow bloggers refuse to go along, then I will simply wait and see if that commenter is really going to go nuclear, while allowing the head of my Comments Inspectors to say that the commenter is not going to go nuclear, and probably will never go nuclear, and anyway, the commenter should be allowed peaceful nuclear power in the comments, and there’s no way to prevent it in any case. The Russian and Chinese Blogger Commission will threaten to veto sanctions, and there we’ll be stuck for some time.
And last, but not least: I will allow my commenters to talk all over everyone else’s comments without obeying the rules, and without paying any penalties, since they have diplomatic immunity.
Happy UN Day, and thanks for the idea, Alex Bensky.
Why is that Omri is singled out for lashing, I wonder? Something personal? I have never even seen his picture…
Great post, and I see that the “Satire” tag was used ;-)
Well, I’ll be happy to add you to the list, you Israeli Zionist occupier racist opressor.
But I sure do like to pick on Omri.
What happens to Jewish women who live in Israel who nudge for cat pictures?
Er… I can answer that for Meryl. Jewish women could call upon my services, since my cats are the best ones in the whole world. Right now one of them is lying on my left hand and a quarter of the keyboard, so I have to dig for qwer… under him.
Snoopy, in the name of proper international relations I am going to have to ask you to prove your cat-related assertions, preferably with pictures.
Always happy to help, Meryl. My personal observation of UN Day includes finding criminal activity going on and either ignoring it or giving the criminal a stern talking-to but not calling the police. I also overpaid for everything I bought today and announced that everything that went wrong today–from the line at the gas station to the temperature outdoors–was because Israel refuses to abandon its West Bank settlements.
I chose to honor UN Day by ignoring it. Great post btw more cat pics are always needed. I won’t claim my cats are the best cause they are little monsters. But I’d like to see Snoopy’s proof.
I was going to act like a UN peacekeeper but pedophilia just doesn’t work for me.
Snoop – I swear to god if I ever catch you dissuading a woman from paying special attention to me I will gut you like a fish. Like a fish, you hear?
Meryl, you forgot to mention embezzling money intended to buy food and medicine for the people ruled by those commenters who are on the receiving end of your sanctions.
Would it be possible to construct some parallel to Eat An Animal For PETA Day, where in this case the celebrants would do something that goes completely at odds with the business-as-usual of the United Nations? Any ideas?
OMRI… I just checked out your web site.
A Ph.D. in Rhetoric?????
And here I thought that I had the all-time useless Ph.D. (Cuneiform Studies).
Thanks, bro.
Ashur, how can you possibly say that? Omri’s getting a Ph.D. in arguing. What is it, exactly, that bloggers do?
Yep. Argue.