The return of the Lost episode summary

I haven’t done this in years, but last night’s episode spurred me to recap it in my own style.

JACK: And when they got home, they found a hook on the passenger door!
HURLEY: Dude, that wasn’t even scary when we were kids.
SUN: Um, can we get back to the subject at hand?
ILANA: Hey, after a flashback to a scene where I was suffering from a horrible trauma and Jacob came and talked to me—that’s right, he effing TALKED to me, didn’t HEAL me, the bastard—I’m going to tell you all that you’re candidates.
HURLEY: Dude, we already figured that out, but we’ll pretend we’re stupid and say, “For what?”
JACK: For what?
HURLEY: Oh, right, I forgot. Jack’s as dumb as a brick.
ILANA: I have no idea, but as I’m a fanatic follower of Jacob and I always do what he tells me, I have to tell you that Richard will know.
BEN: And Richard’s really, really old. Oh, and he doesn’t age!
HURLEY: Duuuuuuude.
BEN: No, he has really great make-up people. I mean, look at how much older Jack looks after six years on the island. Go ahead, check out our first season—I mean, first year—flashbacks.
HURLEY: Dude, shut UP.
ILANA: Well? What’s our next step, Richard?
RICHARD: The hell with you, the hell with them, and the hell with me!
ILANA: What? What did we do to piss you off?
RICHARD: No, hell!
HURLEY: You mean “hell, no”?
RICHARD: No, hell! Aw, hell. We’re all in hell, so I’m going to go see the devil now if you don’t mind.

[CUT TO: The Canary Islands, 1867, Richard in a REALLY ugly beard and long hair, riding his horse hell-for-leather to a cottage where his wife is dying of consumption or TB or whatever makes you cough up blood in 1867. Long, boring scene about how much he loves her (in Spanish, with subtitles, making it even more boring to the average American!). He rides off through the rain to Evil Doctor’s house.]

RICHARD: I need medicine. My wife is dying of consumption or TB or whatever makes you cough up blood in 1867.
EVIL DOCTOR: Do you have enough money? Because I’m an Evil Doctor and I only help people for money. I am obviously the Lost writing staff’s commentary on nationalized healthcare.
RICHARD: This is all I have. Plus this cross necklace, which should be worth something because it’s pretty and golden.
EVIL DOCTOR: This necklace is fake! You can’t have the medicine. Plus, we have to have a reason to get you to that island from this island, so please be gentle when we struggle and you kill me.
RICHARD: Uh—
[They fight. Doc hits head on table and dies. Richard runs. Gets to cottage with medicine, but wife is already dead.]
[CUT TO: Jail cell. Richard is reading the Bible.]
EVIL PRIEST: Can I see your Bible?
RICHARD: Uh—
EVIL PRIEST: Hey, it’s in English! You can read English?
RICHARD: I’ve been teaching myself. I want to go to the New World, even though this is 1867 and all of the countries in North and South America have names that people, you know, use. But hey, let’s give people the impression that I’m, like, four hundred years old instead of only two hundred, because that would be so different. Say, Padre, I’d like to make my confession and receive absolution.
EVIL PRIEST: Nope.
RICHARD: What? Hey, it says right here—right here [points to Bible] that you have to forgive me.
EVIL PRIEST: And it says right here [points to script] that I don’t.
RICHARD: Damn.
EVIL PRIEST: Yep. Say, let me blindfold you and introduce you to…
EVIL CAPTAIN: He speaks English? Okay, I need another slave that understands English.
RICHARD: Hey, wait. Evil Doctor, Evil Priest, Evil Captain—I’m beginning to sense a pattern here.
HURLEY: Dude, I think we found someone as dumb as Jack.
[CUT TO: Long, boring scene below deck where Evil Captain put slaves. Storm. Shipwreck. Oh, NOW we know why the statue is just a foot now, and hey, great CGI, stupid story.]
EVIL CAPTAIN: I must now kill all the slaves, because it’s not like I could use them to built huts or find food or something like that. It’s a lush, green island which simply demands that there’s tons of fresh water and food, but hey, I’m evil. So, die! Die! Die!
RICHARD: No! Stop! Hey, wait a minute—why am I shouting? That will only attract his attention. Go ahead, they’re only redshirts anyway.
MAN IN BLACK: Raarh! Roar! Blegh!
CAPTAIN: What’s happening? Why am I standing under dripping blood and too stupid to understand what it means? I think I’ll go upstairs and check why my men just screamed and dripped blood on me.
RICHARD: Good idea. Leave the keys, will you?
[CUT TO: Long, boring scene of Richard dying of thirst and hunger while trying to free himself from the shackles.]
MAN IN BLACK: Hey, I can get you out of here, but you have to kill someone for me first. Because you’re already damned and in hell, and he has your wife.
RICHARD: Okay.
MAN IN BLACK: But do it FAST, or I’m stuck here for another 140 years or so.
[Richard goes through jungle, finds the foot, gets beat up by Jacob.]
JACOB: You can’t kill me.
RICHARD: I know, Ben’s gonna do it in, like, 140 years.
JACOB: I can make you live long enough to see it.
RICHARD: After the beat-down you just gave me, I think I’ll take that deal. By the way, everyone thinks you’re a dick.
JACOB: But at least I’m a mysterious, all-knowing, and powerful dick.
RICHARD: Oh, so you’re the representation of Obama for this episode.
JACOB: Shut up and go bury your wife’s necklace so you can dig it up 140 years from now absolutely untarnished and without mold or dirt.
RICHARD: Okay. But I have one more condition.
JACOB: Name it.
RICHARD: I get to be short-haired and clean-shaven from now on.
AUDIENCE: Thank Heaven!
[CUT TO: Present, where Richard digs up the untarnished necklace.]
RICHARD: Hey, Man in Black, I’m ready to join you now!
HURLEY: Dude, wait. I’m going to talk to your dead wife and tell you what she’s saying first.
DEAD WIFE: You look SO much better in short hair and clean-shaven. Oh, and you’re not in hell.
RICHARD: Okay. I’ll stick with Jacob for now, even though he’s dead and Smoke-Guy is obviously more powerful.
HURLEY: Dude, this was just one big, long [AUDIENCE: BORING!] background episode. Now we know how old you are. Like, we coulda done this in ten minutes, but nooo, the writers wouldn’t listen to me!
RICHARD: Hey, you’ve had a whole boatload of background episodes. This was my first and last.
HURLEY: Point, dude. So let’s go back to the others and figure out who’s gonna die in the series finale.
RICHARD: If we kill Jack, you get to be the island’s guardian.
HURLEY: Richard, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.