The Missionary position

Found this while looking for something on my site. It’s from September 17, 2003.

The missionary position

I’m pretty sure I terrified a young, just-out-of-missionary school Mormon this afternoon. I heard a soft knock on my door and voices, leading me to believe that Heidi and Sorena had dropped by before Sorena’s cello lesson. But when I opened the door, there were two young men, wearing name badges clearly identifying them as Mormons. The newbie asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes, and I looked at him and said, “Jewish. I’m Jewish, and quite happy that way,” pointing to the Star of David around my neck. Of course, this did not deter him one whit. But he made a fatal error. He hit a few of my hot-button topics.

“Are you a messianic Jew?” he asked.

“No. I’m a real Jew,” I replied.

He paused a moment. “Well, we love the Jews,” he said.

“No you don’t,” I responded a little heatedly. “The Mormon Church is baptizing Jews after they’re dead.”

“We don’t do it anymore.”

“Yes you do. You were supposed to stop, but you haven’t yet.”

“Yes, but try to see it from our point of view.” He was definitely sweating by this point.

“No, try to see it from my point of view,” I told him. “It’s offensive.”

“But ma’am, they’re being given a chance to decide whether or not they want to accept Jesus.”

“They’re dead!” I said, my voice rising. “How can they decide when they’re dead?”

“Well, that depends on what you believe happens after we die,” he said.

At that point, I decided to stop wasting my time, told him I wasn’t interested in any more discussion, and closed the door. I think the next time, I’ll just tell them that there’s no soliciting allowed in my complex and if he doesn’t leave, I’m going to call the police. Probably a lot faster than arguing.